Gee, thanks for your (unsolicited) advice!

Trying to remember to breathe today. And smile. Albeit through clinched teeth.

Have you noticed that when something in your life is *different* than other people, that often translates into *wrong*?

When people find out that Stephen and I live apart, their assumption is that we don’t have a “normal” marriage. (Perhaps they don’t know any other married people? Because after a quick mental rundown of the ones I know – I’m pretty sure there is no such thing as a “normal” marriage!  )

People around us (even close friends and relatives) have a tendancy to assume that we’re not as in love as other people, or not as close as some couples are, or – and this is my favorite – that our marriage is somehow unhealthy. As if it’s possible for anyone to know about the inner workings of a marriage unless you’re part of it?

Now, this entry is much less about whether Stephen and I are happy or normal. (The former: absolutely! The latter: jury’s still out!) It’s more about the tendancy of those around us to judge a relationship that doesn’t look exactly like their idea of a textbook marriage as somehow inappropriate. It’s not just the distance. We get the same flack about our age difference (although I’m pretty sure if I married someone 9 years older than me, everyone would feel just fine about it.) People also tend to have some pretty strong opinions about the fact that we got married 24 weeks to the day after we met.

So here’s my question…. am I hanging out with the wrong people, or is it just inescapable human nature that we will judge each other? And if that’s the case, do we have to be so vocal about it?

Two recent experiences come to mind…

I was at work last week and mentioned to some clients at the office that my husband was coming to visit. Upon learning that we lived apart, one of the clients says – out loud! to my face! – “well, that marriage will never last.”

Um, seriously? Perhaps you should have said that in your head. Or at least behind my back!

I was able to laugh it off. She doesn’t know me or Stephen. She has never seen us together. And I’m extremely happily married. The second incident was harder to ignore. Because the person issuing the “opinion” is a family member of Stephen’s. Who – I might add – has never even met me.

One day, I’m hoping this relative and I will meet. And perhaps we will really like each other. Perhaps we won’t. But that doesn’t matter. What has me shaking my head is that fact that this person can tell Stephen that our marriage is – brace yourself – “wrong.” Without meeting me. Without seeing us together. Without asking Stephen if he is happy. Based solely on this person’s judgement of what a marriage should look like. And the fact that it’s not the way ours looks.

It makes me sad.

Mostly because marrying Stephen was the best decision I ever made. He makes me happy. He is good for me. And we work hard at this brand-new, long-distance, cougar-cub marriage of ours. Who wants normal? I’d rather believe that an exceptional marriage is possible. And I do.

Doing my own thing. (again.)

It’s Saturday.

That means one thing for Katie and I.  Katie is working, I am watching college football.

When you are in a long distance relationship, there are many ways that you can build intimacy, and there are many ways that you can destroy intimacy.  Katie and I are always trying to do the former and avoid the later.

Katie knows how much I love watching football on Saturday.  It involves me watching football on TV all day long, and getting updates on my laptop for the other games throughout the day.  (a little obsessive, I know)  I often meet friends at bars and restaurants to watch games, drink beer, and relax.  Although I have played soccer my whole life, football is definitely my most favorite sport to watch and follow.  Even though Katie isn’t interested in the sport, she knows that I love it and wants me to do the things I enjoy.  Just this week, she sent me a gift card to a restaurant so that I can watch football complements of her.  It made me feel so loved and cared for.  I know that if I didn’t make her listen to my commentary on football every week, she wouldn’t even think of it.  Regardless of that, she made it a point to allow me to enjoy the things that I like.

So here’s a tip: If you are in a long distance relationship, allow your significant other to enjoy the thing he or she is into.  Even if you could care less about that thing, it means a lot to your partner.  Having a happy partner will equal a happy relationship.  The better the rest of your life is, the less you rely on your partner to provide happiness.

I know football is a small piece of the happiness puzzle.  Regardless, it represents something much greater.  Being happy and content in other areas of your life positively affects your relationship.  Keep that in mind, it will help you in more ways than one.

Thank you for reading our blog!  Feel free to leave a comment or give advice of your own…

Benefits of Distance

What??! Living apart from your husband (or partner) can be a good thing? Absolutely! As much as I miss Stephen while we are apart, there are some nice things about maintaining our relationship over the phone…

My skin has never looked better because I am free to go to bed with big, white dollups of zit medicine on my face every night! Also, my favorite super-comfy sweats. (phone conversation: “yes, baby, of course I’m wearing that sexy black nighty again!”)

On random Monday nights after a long day of working and teaching pilates, cheerios is a perfectly reasonable dinner. (phone conversation: “Well, let’s see honey, I made veggie lasagna, spinich salad with blue cheese crumbles and apple pie for dessert…. I wish you were here to have some too…. crunch, crunch, crunch…”)

I can watch girly TV without embarrassment and sometimes even prioritize my “me time.” (phone conversation: “Oh, love bug, I’m sorry I can’t talk, I have sooooo much work to do! Oh, really? No, I *no idea* Desperate Housewives was on.”)

Here’s a great article I found on why Long Distance may be the best thing that happened to your relationship! I agree with all the things listed below. Conducting our entire dating relationship long-distance really allowed Stephen and I to get to know each other much faster than we would have in person. When all you can do it talk, you tend to do a lot of it!(Of course, sometimes *talking* isn’t enough…. there are pitfalls to distance…. more on that next time!)

Get That Loving Feeling Long Distance
By Astrid Engels, October 5, 2009

Most people consider a close loving relationship with someone essential to their life. One of the reasons internet dating has grown over the past two decades is that love is one of the most valuable assets that we can have. Internet dating provides people with the opportunity to meet others from another state and anywhere else in the world.

There are some people who prefer that their mate be with them everyday. They enjoy doing most things together and the spontaneity of having their loved one close, but there are other couples who are more independent. They only see each other occasionally due to their busy schedules or due to the fact that they live in another city or state. Most of us don’t even think about long distance relationships when we’re on the lookout for love. But it’s important to keep an open mind when dating. Who knows, something new and different, like long distance dating, could very well lead you to what you have been looking for.

While long distance dating can be fun, it also has its challenges. Now, there will be times that your partner will not be able to attend certain events with you. There will be ‘’spur of the moment” dates that you may not be able to have. On the other hand, there are some pros to long distance dating.

Long Distance dating allows you to:

1. Get to know the person without the physical part of the relationship getting in the way. If you want a long term relationship, perhaps sleeping together too quickly might not work in your favor.

2. Your friendships won’t suffer. Usually when you’re in a new relationship you spend all your time with your new sweetie. When they’re not around each and every day you can keep the balance in your life.

3. You can get away from it all by visiting your sweetie. And if they live someplace that you’ve always wanted to visit you get to have a wonderfully new experience. If they live somewhere that you’ve enjoyed visiting in the past, you’ll be able to see an old favorite through new eyes.

4. You know that list of options you have tucked away in the event you want to move? Now you have a new option to consider.

5. Okay, I have two words for you; Phone Sex. If you’ve already tried this then you know it’s an exciting way to keep a relationship sparking.

6. Your relationship stays fresh. Missing someone can help keep the excitement alive. Less time to fight. Since you see one another less often, you wont waste time fighting about trivial matters.

It might not be your first choice, but a long distance love affair can be terrific. It all depends on the two people involved and how much effort they want to put into it. For the adventurous it can be an exciting foray into the unknown.

Read the original article here.

Living Apart Together – Movie review: “Management”

Katie and I watch lot’s of movies “together”.  Since we live apart, we rent the same movie and watch it.  Not only that, we will watch it at the same time, while on the phone…  It makes us feel like we are together and are doing something with the other person, even we can’t physically be with each other.  We love it and watch movies about once a week.

The last movie we watched was called “Management”.  It starred Jennifer Aniston, Steve Zahn, and a handful of other notable famous actors.  Although at first this movie was about as weird a movie I have seen in a while, it turned out to have a nice ending.  The acting was good, the characters likable, but the story line was terrible.  Katie made the comment that it was like watching five different movies.  I totally agree.  Not only was it disjointed, but none of it really added up.  I didn’t believe the story.  So if you are at the movie store, at the Redbox, or adding movies to your Netflix queue, I say pick something else before seeing this.

Long Distance Dollars

When most couples get married, they talk about money and personal finances.  They decide whether or not to join bank accounts, whose credit cards they will keep or get rid of, and find out how much debt the other person really has.  It’s also a time to find out how much each person makes and how much each person spends.  All in all, it makes for a rather interesting conversation.  Now add living in different states with two house payments and separate living expenses and you have an idea of how much fun Katie and I had during the first-ever “Wagner Financial Meeting.”

Statistically, the number one reason couples break up is because of money.  Needless to say, money can cause great angst and can take a toll on a relationship.  But it doesn’t have to.  We found that complete honesty and transparency take the stress that can destroy your intimacy and turn it into a cause that both people can fight for.

During our first visit after we got married, we decided that we needed to figure out where we were financially and put together a plan to get to where we want to be.  We sat down across from each other at the table, laptops on, bank statements out, pen and paper ready to go.  We went through every account that either of us had and figured out how much money was in each (or wasn’t! – poor IRA, you were once my pride and joy).  We figured out how much debt we each had, and about how much money we make and spend in a month.  We just got it all out on the table, literally.

Although at first, both of us were a little nervous about this (and by a little, I mean very nervous), once we got through everything, I felt like there was nothing we couldn’t handle.  Even though our current situation wasn’t exactly the financial picture we hoped for, we knew exactly where we were and exactly what needed to be done.  The most surprising part of the whole conversation was that there was a deeper connection in our relationship.  The honesty and transparency we shared created a whole new level of trust.

Now, you might be wondering how this all of this will work for us.  Well, to begin, Katie and I decided to keep our finances separate and work together to create a budget for each of us.  We figured out how much we were spending (too much), then figured out how much we actually needed to live on.  We then set monthly dollar amounts for each category to adhere to.  Now, how are we going to stick to this?

Envelope budgeting.

Here is an example: put cash in an envelope labeled ‘eating out’ at the beginning of every month.  When that money is gone, you can’t spend any more money eating out.  No credit cards, no debit cards, just cash!  Easy, right?  Nope!  Needless to say, there have been some interesting moments when we have both realized how much we spend where we thought we didn’t.  Katie’s advise to me: don’t go anywhere near Target.  That place sucks money right out of my wallet.  (Oh, and word to the wise, never wear a red shirt when shopping there…)

Anyway, at the end of the month, we will email each other our budgets with how much we spent in each category to see how we are doing.  That way we both have full disclosure as to how much we are spending, saving, and paying off debt.  Another thing, even though we don’t make the same amount of money, we decided to stick to a similar budget.  It just wouldn’t be fair for one of us to be spending more money than the other, even though we live separately, just because one of us makes more money. That also allows us to put more money into savings – courtesy of the larger paycheck. (See how I am tactfully not mentioning which one of us makes more?)  We both believe that getting on the same page financially allows us to still have all of the things a marriage consists of, just with some distance in between.

All in all, figuring out our finances has been an incredible experience for us.  We are both on board with our new budgets and are encouraging each other to stick with it.  We are celebrating our success and learning from our failures.  It has brought us closer together and we are both working so hard to get to where we want to be financially.  I am sure we will run into road blocks here and there (so far there has only been one pleading phone call from the Banana Republic dressing room!), but that’s what life is all about.  Even though we are separated by a thousand miles, our marriage is alive and thriving.  More to come on this in the future!

Check out Clark Howard.  Great financial advise for anyone. (And, he went to Katie’s high school!)

We would love to hear your stories and advice about money in long distance relationships!  Please feel free to leave a comment…