Staying Connected

Being married long distance can have it’s challenges.  As Katie described in her last post, it presents a whole different set challenges to a relationship.  Fortunately, it also presents unique opportunities that wouldn’t be there if we lived in the same house.

Example?  Mail.

One of the things we both have done since we started living apart was sending mail to each other.  Not electronic mail, but the real thing.  Stamps, envelopes, addresses, mailboxes, etc.  It sort of just naturally started for us.  We both just started sending each other cards and letters and gift boxes and it never stopped!

I received a piece of mail today from Katie and it was a postcard!  When was the last time anyone has received a postcard!  It was so great, I loved it!  It had a picture of a Boston Terrier on the front.  The card was so sweet and romantic (like they always are).  I love getting mail from her because it is tangible.  It is something that I can touch, hold, smell and read.  I can’t delete it out of my inbox or put it in my “Katie” folder on my email account.  I leave it on my counter until the next one shows up.  Whenever I see it, it reminds me that even though we are living apart right now, we are together.  I have a box full of all the cards and letters she has sent me since we started this long distance thing.

I love Katie and I love the mail that she sends me.  She is very thoughtful and knows how to show me she loves me even when we can’t be together.  I couldn’t ask for a better partner, best friend, and wife.

Long Distance Fighting: How Do You Know When It’s Over?

When you fight with your significant other, what’s the surest way to know the fight is over?

Make-up sex. 

Or make-up hugs, or kisses, or cuddling on the couch, or unloading the dishwasher together… usually a quarrel is officially over when you return to your pre-fight level of intimacy. It’s hard to harbor a grudge against someone who is nuzzling your neck, right? And even after you have successfully talked everything out and “made up”… you don’t fully relax again until your partner reaches for your hand, or comes up behind you and wraps his arms around your waist. Only then do you get to sigh, relax into his embrace, and realize that everything will be just fine.

But what happens when you don’t live in the same house – or the same state? What happens when you talk through your argument on the phone, and then hang up and go to bed alone. There’s no hugging or kissing or hand-holding, and even though you’re sure everything is resolved – you don’t get that moment of affection when you re-establish your bond and your commitment to the relationship.

That’s one of the hardest parts of being in a long-distance marriage for me.

In general, Stephen and I get along extremely well. But all couples fight, and we aren’t perfect. I am very thankful that Stephen is just as much of a “talker” as I am, and we tend to be very good at expressing our feelings and understanding each other. The disagreements are usually over quickly. But afterward, all I want to do is lean up against him on the couch and watch TV with the dogs. Instead, we are still on the phone….

“So, how was your day?”

It’s just not the same. Which is why Stephen surprised me with an extra visit last month (we weren’t supposed to be traveling in January, to save money.) We had been having a rough couple of days – no real fighting, just some stress and crankiness on both of our parts – mostly over the house situation and my lay-off situation. Just normal, married life stuff. But the difference is that we don’t live a normal married life. So after a few high-stress days, we don’t get to cook dinner together and relax and re-group.

So one day last week, we were talking on the phone at 8am, like we do every morning, and he said something I didn’t expect:

“Pick me up at the airport at midnight.”

My first reaction was hysterical, Christmas-morning-excitement. (Actually, my first reaction was panic about how I was going to the get the house clean in time for his arrival, but joy followed quickly.) He was only going to be in town for a few days, but our next long visit is still two weeks away, and if I had to go an entire month without seeing him, and feeling stressed, that would not have been easy. And it might actually have been damaging for our relationship. I am thankful that I have a husband that realizes that when the going gets tough, we need to be together. So, Instead of letting my practical side take over: Is a last-minute pane ticket really expensive? Can we afford it? Seriously, how am I going to get the house clean in time? I decided to let myself be giddy. I went to work, hit the gym, DIDN’T clean the house, and arrived at the airport early so I could meet him at the gate.

It was a fabulous visit.  What did we do? We did marriage. We did togetherness. We did planning for the future. We did talking about our fears and frustrations. And yes, we did make-up sex.

They call what we are doing ‘Living Apart Together.’ I think we get so caught up in our separate lives that it’s easy to forget that last part. There are very good reasons for why we live apart right now. But we need to remember the reasons we are together in the first place. The reasons we got married. And that’s to be a team; to face lifes up and downs together.

We don’t share a bed – or even an address-  on most days. But we do share a life. And we should share all the celebrations and challenges that come with it.

Thank you, Baby, for always putting me and “us” first. You are an amazing husband. But please pay the visa bill before I find out how much this togetherness cost us, OK?

Benefits of Long Distance: Beer and Wine

Last night I hung out with one of my good friends.  We decided to hit up a new brewery pub that just opened up.  It is actually an extension of a restaurant that was already there called Selma’s Pizzeria. Selma’s brews their own beer, so they bought the storefront next to them and opened up a bar called The Taproom.  It was great, they had about 20 different microbrews on tap, which is amazing for an Orange County bar.  They had a lot of locally brewed beer, they also had 3 different beers from brewery’s in Oregon, including my most favorite: Deschutes Black Butte Porter! I couldn’t believe it.  The only other place I could get this fine brew on tap here was at The Yard House.  The Yard House has about 150 beers on tap, but you pay for it too.  I think it’s like $8-$10 a pint.  Not worth it, especially because when I am in Oregon, I can get it on happy hour special for $3 or less if I time it right.

Black Butte Porter

Needless to say, I was very happy that this place opened up.  It’s only 5 minutes from my house, it’s the best pizza in Orange County, and it has my favorite beer.  I will be back, very soon.

If you can’t tell already, I really enjoy beer.  But not in the way that most people like it.  I don’t drink to get drunk and I can’t tell you the last time I drank a PBR or Bud Light (excluding Bud Light Lime… we all have our weaknesses).  I like beer in a sort of snobby connoisseur kind of way.  In the way most people enjoy wine.  I like the flavors, the different varieties, the different brewery’s, and the IBU’s.  It’s just fun to me.

Ok, where am I going with this…

Oregon, right…

There are a few good things about Oregon, probably more if you didn’t grow up there.  One of things I will miss most about Oregon is the amazing selection of beer.  Oregon has the most microbrewery’s per capita than any other state and probably the most microbrewery’s period.  There is something to be said about those Subaru driving, Birkenstock wearing, fleece adorning, environmentally friendly Oregonians: they brew a mean beer.  They brew a mean beer and they brew a lot of it.  Every bar has it’s own selection of 10 or more beers brewed in house or down the street.  You can go to 5 different bars in a 3 block radius and get about 40 different beers if you were so inclined.  If you like beer, you have to go to Oregon, there is no other place like it.

Beyond that, there are wineries everywhere there.  It’s like a beer and wine lovers heaven.  Imagine this: it’s summer, it’s 75 and sunny, you are driving through the green rolling hills of the countryside, and there are wineries every 5 miles.  You spend the afternoon tasting wine at 4 different wineries, soaking in the sunshine, enjoying the view of the vineyards and taking tours of their barrel rooms.  When the sun goes down, you head into the city and go to the first pub you see.  10 different selections of beer you can’t find anywhere else, and they are all good.  Not a bad way to spend your Saturday, the way Katie and I have spent many.

One of our first dates - at a winery!

So what does this have to do with a long distance marriage?  There are some benefits.

Katie and I get to have two homes in two totally different places.  We get all the best shopping, dining, entertainment, and beaches anyone could ask for in Orange County, and we get all the beer, wine, and scenery we can handle in Oregon.  When Katie needs a break from the rain, she can get on a flight and stay with me for bit.  When I need a break from the masses of people, I can stay with her at the farmhouse in wine country where there isn’t anyone around us for a mile in every direction.  Traveling on a regular basis really helps break up the routine of daily life and keeps things interesting.

So when we are living in Orange County and surrounded by those Mercedes driving, Gucci wearing, over extended Californian’s, I think we might look back at the time we spent living apart, when we could get away from where we were, and think fondly of that.

Then again, maybe we won’t.

So raise your glasses, here’s to seeing the silver lining in every situation, and to the place where beer flows like wine.

Cheers!

Long Distance: good or bad?

I was struck by the notion today that be married long distance has it’s benefits.  I was struck by this at one of the least enjoyable parts of my day: 6:30am…  I wake up every morning at 6:30 and get my exercise in before I head off to the old 9 to 5.  You see, when I am alone, I actually am able to get things done in my life.  I get on a set routine: I wake up at the same time everyday, get a good workout in, talk to Katie, I work long hours and am really productive at work, I stick to my budget, I talk to Katie, I hang out with my friends, I talk to Katie, and I go to bed at a reasonable hour.  I am one that feeds off of routine, organization, and productivity.  So this morning, when I woke up, I saw the silver lining to our situation.  I sort of half smiled (as best you can when it’s still dark out), rolled out of bed, called Katie, and went to the gym.

When I got home, I made a french press, opened up my laptop to check my work email (to get a head start on the day), and there it was: it was like a beam of shining light – an email from Katie with our wedding pictures in it!  We have been so excited to get them and there they were!  I urgently started clicking through all 300 of them as quick as I could because I couldn’t get enough of them.  I had to see each one as fast as I could.  Click, click, click, click, and then I stopped, my breath was taken away.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of the screen, I was transfixed and I couldn’t look away.  It was the most beautiful picture of my wife I have ever seen.  The scenery, the sun, the dress, the vail, the ring… MY WIFE!  A wave of emotion rushed over me, I was taken right back to the day we eloped and got married in the most beautiful, epic church.  The day we vowed to love each other forever, the day that forever changed me.

Then it struck me again, this time much harder, and more violent.  Like getting punched in the gut or being bit by a dog: the benefits of being apart are dwarfed by the longing to be together.  There is no amount of routine or hard work that can make up for not being with my wife.  There is no amount of getting to bed on time and waking up early to minimize the internal struggle of not having your soulmate with you.  There is no amount of being productive that can take the place of enjoying the company of my best friend.  Nothing can take the place of being with my wife.

I then looked through the rest of the pictures, slowly this time, one by one, taken to a different world.  Taken back to the place we were married.  It seems so mystical now, like a fairy tale or a dream.  The pictures telling a story of a couple so in love they couldn’t wait another day to get married.  The whole scene harkened back to a time when love was real and marriage was forever: a church that people have been getting married in for over a hundred years, vintage rings previously worn by lovers who stayed married ‘for better or for worse, till death do us part’.  I am looking at pictures of two people getting married for the right reasons.  No pomp and circumstance, no cake, no reception, no distractions.  Simple, classic, elegant, and memorable: a church, a minister, a dress and a suit.  Two people, two rings, vows, and love.  I am looking at the most amazing day of my life and I can’t share that moment with the person who was there with me.

I look at my phone and think, if we can’t be together, at least I can call to tell her how excited I am about these!  I dial Katie’s number, she answers: “hey sweet one, are you looking at the pictures?”

Me (practically unable to contain my excitement): “Baby, these pictures are so incredible, I can’t even tell you how excited I am.  I was just thinking about how amazing our wedding day was and how happy I am we eloped.  Aren’t they just wonderful??!!!”

Katie: “(silent)”

Me: “Katie? don’t you think they are great?”

Katie: “(silent)”

I look at my phone: dropped call…  Me: “I hate living long distance…”

PS – check out more photos at our wedding photographers blogs.  Lyfe Photography’s Eddie and Amy are based out of Portland and are such great photographers and people.  We are deeply grateful that they could be a part of our wedding day (they were our witnesses)

Eddie’s Blog

Amy’s Blog

Is this Good News or Bad News? I’m Not Sure!

I got laid off from my job. My last day is at the end of February. I’m really not sure how I feel about it.

On one hand: I’m devestated. It feels like a betrayal in so many ways. I cried when I found out – which surprised me.

But on second thought: I get to move to California and live with Stephen!

But then again: that means I will have to sell the house in Oregon, find a place to live in California, and somehow figure out how to pay my mortgage with no job in the meantime.

Of course: I get to move to California and live with Stephen!

But also: I have to leave all my wonderful girlfriends and my life of 5 years here, which is something I haven’t thought much about before now… and I have to start over at a new job in a new state.

Then there’s this: I get to move to California and live with Stephen!

It’s confusing. Moving to California WAS the plan all along… but the plan was to move this summer. Because I had promised my boss that I would give him a year when I took the job last July. And I decided to honor that promise, even after I married someone who lived in another state. (I guess he didn’t feel the need to honor his promise to me, but that’s anger for another time…)  So I always knew I would move, but it was so far away that I didn’t have to think about it yet.

At my core, I am a planner. That makes me a good partner in a lot of ways. I set goals, work super-hard to meet them, and never stray. Persistence is my middle name. But when things happen beyond my control that throw the plan out of whack, I’m kind of a basketcase. So here we are.

I’m so excited to move in with my husband (and the fact that it’s 30 degrees warmer and sunny in California right now doesn’t hurt!) but I will be sad to leave my life behind. Change is always a little bit scary…. even if you know you will be so much happier with the new arrangement. And change that hits you out of the blue is the scariest of all.

Stephen’s been great. We set a new plan. I needed a date to aim for, so we said May 1. That’s when his lease is up, and we plan to move into the “new place” together. His job before then is to find and secure that new place. I will not have seen it before I move in, but I trust him. He knows me and the dogs well enough to choose for us – and the man is pretty particular, so I feel good about it. My job is to sell my house, pack up all my stuff and the dogs, and somehow get us all to California in one piece. Oh – and do everything in my power not to spend any money in the meantime.

Some days it really feels like by the time we get to live together we will have faced every possible hurdle in our marriage. It’s nice in a lot of ways – with every obstacle we face, I feel closer to my husband and more sure that we belong together. We process times of crisis very complementarily… he’s extremely calm and rational, but a bit rigid…. I have more vision, but can tend toward overly-emotional. Together, it seems to work.

Stephen wrote me an email yesterday that said:”When does ‘for better’ start?

I wrote back: “May 1?”

Here’s hoping!